Quotes

I love quotable quotes. Yes I do. So this little page seemed like the best place to keep a collection of them. Some are writing-related, others… less so.

“Isn’t it sad when bad things happen to good sentences?”
Frasier

“Pathetic human race. Arranging their knowledge by category just made it easier to absorb. Dewey, you fool! Your decimal system has played right into my hands!”
Futurama

“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.”
— Jack London

“In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
— Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan

“Where I come from we believe all sorts of things that aren’t true. We call it history.”
Wicked

Tara: “Those boys really thought I was hot?”
Willow: “Entirely.”
Tara: “Oh my god. I’m cured! I want the boys!”
Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Rock paper scissors lizard Spock!”
The Big Bang Theory

Dr Zimmerman: “You can rest assured that I will keep anything you say in the strictest confidence.”
O’Brien: “You’re sure about that? I wouldn’t want this to get back to Julian.”
Dr Zimmerman: “You have my word.”
O’Brien: “Well, the truth is… he’s an extraordinary person… a real sense of honour and integrity, a great sense of humour, warm, caring… you’re sure he’s not going to read this?”
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

“You can find work and sort your life out anytime. The pub closes in five hours.”
Black Books

“I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in beeees!”
— Eddie Izzard

“Kissing a witch is a perilous business. Everybody knows it’s ten times as dangerous as letting her touch your hand, or cut your hair, or steal your shoes. What simpler way is there than a kiss to give power a way into your heart?”
— Emma Donoghue, Kissing The Witch

“I didn’t know that other people thought things about me. I didn’t know that they looked.”
— Stephen Chbosky, the perks of being a wallflower

“Some people juggle geese.”
— Wash, Firefly

“Each glanced surreptitiously at the other’s reading matter. It was as good as a masonic handshake.”
— David Lodge, Small World

“When you’re more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. ‘I’m sorry, I’ve broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I’ll pay for it. I’m sorry.’ And you do that so that people in the room might go, ‘What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities.'”
— Eddie Izzard

“The guy’s supposed to buy the tickets.”
“Really. Does Susan Faludi know about this?”
Gilmore Girls

“Use humour, it makes you seem like a real person.”
“I am a real person.”
Brothers & Sisters

“Your narrative leaves me full of admiration for your qualities, and compassion for your insanity.”
— Mary Hays, Memoirs of Emma Courtney

“Applause is an addiction, like heroin, or checking your email.”
The Simpsons

“For historians, creative writers provide a kind of pornography.”
— Hilary Mantel

“Isn’t it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you?”
— Jonathan Coulton, ‘Skullcrusher Mountain’

“It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors.”
— Oscar Wilde

“I can’t pretend to be much of a judge of poetry, I’m an English teacher, not a homosexual.”
A Bit of Fry and Laurie

“In my heart, I think a woman has two choices: either she’s a feminist or a masochist.”
— Gloria Steinem

“What exactly does that expression mean, ‘friends with benefits?’ Does he provide her with health insurance?”
The Big Bang Theory

“You know, it’s amazing how many super villains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.”
The Big Bang Theory

“The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.”
— John Kenneth Galbraith

“It isn’t so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.”
— Groucho Marx

“There’s an undeniable pleasure in stepping into an open-top sports car driven by a beautiful woman. It feels like you’re climbing into a metaphor.”
— Hugh Laurie, The Gun Seller

“There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea.”
— Bernard-Paul Heroux

Foreman: “I think your argument is specious.”
House: “I think your tie is ugly.”
House M.D.

“It took me too long to realize that I don’t take good pictures
‘Cuz I have the kind of beauty that moves.”
— Ani Di Franco, ‘Evolve’

“Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.”
30 Rock

“I intend this breast satirically.”
Coupling

“I truly don’t like you as a person. Can’t one human being not like another human being? Can’t we all just not get along?”
30 Rock

Professor August: “Look at that lighthouse. That’s the ultimate expression of phallocentric technocracy violating Mother Sky.”
Marge: “I thought they were just tall so boats could see them.”
Professor August: “No, Marge. Everything penis-shaped is bad.”
The Simpsons

“There is nothing ironic about show choir!”
Glee

Sir Humphrey: “Minister, I think there is something you perhaps ought to know.”
Jim Hacker: “Yes Humphrey?”
Sir Humphrey: “The identity of the Official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion, is NOT shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume, but not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun.”
Jim Hacker: “I beg your pardon?”
Sir Humphrey: “It was…I.”
Yes Minister

“When you date someone, it’s like you’re taking one long course in who that person is, and then when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It’s the emotional equivalent of an English degree.”
How I Met Your Mother

“It was summer. And it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. “Oh look!” cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever. The end.”
Friends

“A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.”
— unknown

“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.”
— unknown

“The words are easy – most of them have already been invented.”
— Terry Pratchett

“Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”
— Serenity Prayer

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
— Neil Gaiman

“I want to be remembered when I’m dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then, hundreds of years from now, I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.”
Blackadder

Buffy: “I’m just saying it doesn’t make any sense. He starred in The Matrix but he never left town. And how’d he graduate from med school? He’s only eighteen years old.”
Xander: “Effective time management?”
–- Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.”
— Marilyn Monroe


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